Blended Families

I am about to become a member of a blended family and I've been asking for lots of advice from friends of mine who are handling that challenge with a great outcome.

One friend happily re-married for two years with 2 grown children, 1of her first marriage 1 of her 2nd marriage and two of her new husbands had this to say. "My best advice is to let the biological parent be the bad guy with his kids and let him tell them what to do. It is very touchy stuff even if you all get along. Also, agree on what each person is responsible for in the beginning and make a chart. Let the chart be the bad guy. Mixed family support or counseling is a good idea too. I'm sure it will be okay, but it is a little bit harder than it looks."

This is an answer to a Q&A from my favorite relationship expert Dr. Harley

Q&A COLUMN
by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

"I'ts her 3rd time, my 1st. Is this a good idea?"

I will soon be marrying the woman of my dreams. We’re very much in love with each other now, but we know so many who were in love at the time of their marriage, only to come to hate each other later. We don’t want that to happen, and would like advice to help avoid losing what we feel for each other.

I am 29, never married, and my fiancé is 32, married twice, with a 4 year-old daughter from her last marriage. She and her ex-husband, who have been divorced for the past 3 years, have been battling each other in court over custody issues since their divorce, and at this time, they have joint physical custody.

We’ve dated each other for the past year, and we have handled post- divorce problems with her ex-husband very well. But I know how likely it is for us to eventually divorce, so I want to be sure that our marriage will turn out to be the exception.

What problems are we likely to face after we marry, and how should we fix them? And most important, how can we be as much in love with each other after 25 years of marriage as we are today?

B.J.

Dear B.J.

The answers to your two questions go hand-in-hand. The way you fix the problems you face after marriage will determine whether or not you’ll be in love after 25 years of marriage. Until now, you have had your share of problems to solve, and you’ve
probably done a good job handling them. You’ve approached each of them with consideration for each other’s feelings. That’s why you’re still in love.

But for a variety of reasons, many couples stop solving their problems that way after they’re married. Instead of discussing their problems with respect for each other’s perspectives, and waiting until they both agree before making a final decision, they begin to make unilateral decisions. They “announce” their plans before an agreement is reached. Or, they try to force an agreement by making demands, being disrespectful, and having angry outbursts. Those tactics not only lead to flawed decisions, but they also destroy the love they have for each other.

You’ve seen how discussions that lead to an agreement are not only possible, but essential in making your relationship work. It’s probably inconceivable to either of you that you would ever deviate from the formula that’s made your relationship so passionate. And yet, the majority of those who marry, especially in situations
similar to yours, make that mistake.For over 35 years, I’ve encouraged couples to follow a simple rule that helps them resolve their conflicts the right way and keeps
them in love with each other. I call it the Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. It’s a rule that reminds you to think about each other’s feelings whenever you make a decision. You’ve
probably been following this rule already without even hearing about it, because you’ve wanted to be thoughtful toward each other. But there’s a great risk of violating that rule after you marry, and that’s why I would encourage you to follow it after you’re married
as if your life depended on it -— your marriage certainly does. Everything you do affects each other. Using my nomenclature, you’re either depositing or withdrawing love units from each other’s Love Banks. Until now, you have been careful to do what it takes to
make each other happy, and avoided making each other unhappy. Keep doing that, and you’ll be in love with each other for the rest of your lives. But after you’re married, you’ll be tempted to make yourself happy at your spouse’s expense. That’s when you’ll need
the Policy of Joint Agreement the most. It’s a warning that if you don’t take your spouse’s feelings into account, you’ll lose her love for you. So instead of making that selfish decision, you negotiate with her until you find an alternative that you can both
agree to enthusiastically.

At this point, you may wonder what issues might tempt you to make selfish decisions. There are a host of them: Career decisions (should your new wife have the right to veto a career move that would be in your best interest?), friends and relatives (should
your new wife have the right to veto your relationship with some of your friends, or members of your family?), financial decisions (should your new wife have the right to veto a purchase you want to make?), to name a few. But the issue that stands out above the rest is child-rearing decisions: Should you have the right to veto each other’s child-rearing decisions until you can agree enthusiastically?

When a spouse has a child from a previous relationship, he or she is tempted to violate the Policy of Joint Agreement for what is considered to be in the best interest of the child. Coming to an enthusiastic agreement about child-rearing decisions is difficult
enough for biological parents. But when a child is raised by one biological parent and one non-biological parent, the difficulty increases ten-fold. That’s because the biological parent tends to place the interests of the child above those of the other spouse.

So when a child’s interests and a spouse’s interests are in conflict, the child has the advantage. Furthermore, because the child is considered “their child,” biological parents feel that they have the right to make unilateral decisions regarding their
upbringing. The Policy of Joint Agreement seems inappropriate when the child’s future is at stake. And yet, every violation of that rule withdraws love units, regardless of the sense it makes to one spouse at the time. Over time, love is lost to good intentions.

On a related topic, a biological parent may be tempted to violate another rule I recommend, the Policy of Undivided Attention: Give your spouse your undivided attention a minimum of fifteen hours each week, using the time to meet his or her emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship. In an effort to provide care for the biological child, this rule is violated when almost all free time is committed to the child. The non-biological parent’s emotional needs are often neglected because there is no privacy -— the child
goes with them whenever they’re together.

Right now, you are probably spending at least 15 hours a week being affectionate, talking to each other (even if it’s only by telephone or email), and spending time together recreationally. But after you marry, you may find that the time you were spending
in deep communication with each other becomes a thing of the past. That would be tragic if it were to happen, but the only way to avoid it is to schedule time together. Your schedule will dictate what you accomplish in life, and if your goal is to stay in love,
you must schedule time to meet each other’s emotional needs.Every Sunday afternoon at 3:30, look over each other’s schedule and plan 15 hours to be alone with each other the next week. If you don’t have 15 hours available, cancel planned engagements to
make room for each other. Nothing will be more important than the time you have together. And your daughter should not be with you during that time.

But I also recommend spending time together with your daughter and your wife -— another 15 hours a week for what I call Quality Family Time. It will give her lots of time to bond with you, and will give you an opportunity to teach her some of the most important lessons of life.At this point you may question my wisdom, because you may think
I’m trying to schedule you beyond your available time each week. And trust me, after you’re married, you will doubt my wisdom even more when you face greater responsibilities. But consider this: If you sleep 8 hours each night, you will have 112 hours left each week to do whatever you think is important. And the two most important objectives you have in life are care for your wife and care for your children. Taking 30 hours from the 112 leaves you with 82 hours each week to do everything else that’s
far less important.

When you reach old age, and look back on your accomplishments, everything will pale in comparison to having had a wife and children who love and admire you. And it will only require 30 hours a week to help you achieve that most important goal.

Why do blended-family marriages fail so often? It’s because they have a particularly difficult time following the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Undivided Attention. Since those two rules help guarantee passion in marriage, when they’re
broken, passion is lost. And when passion is lost, it doesn’t take very long for lovers to become haters. I recommend that you and your fiancé read my most recent book
before you marry: "I Promise You: Preparing for a marriage that will last a lifetime." It turns these two rules, and a few others, into promises that will guarantee the success of your marriage if you keep them. Then, after you marry, re-read the book together at least once a year to remind you of the promises you made that guarantee your love for each other.

All marriages would be terrific, and none would end in divorce, if every couple would take better care of each other. It sounds almost too simple, but it’s true. You and your fiancé can create a magnificent family together if you don’t lose sight of what it is that’s keeping you together -— your exceptional care for each other. There was chemistry when you first met, I’m sure. But what has kept you loving each other, and what will
keep you loving each other is your consideration of each other’s feelings when you make decisions, and making sure that you have enough time to meet each other’s emotional needs. Anyone can do it. Write me again after you have your next child together.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Marraige Builders.com